Geri Halliwell on Taribo West

Taribo is one of my best friends. Like many Nigerian footballers, he has helped me through a difficult time in my life, before yoga and severe weight loss made me happy again.

I think we've formed a close bond because there are so many parallels in our lives. For example, we've both had connections with some big names. Taribo used to play for AC Milan and Internazionale, whilst I've been romantically linked with Robbie Williams, and er, Robbie again. The only difference is that Taribo hasn't used these to help promote single sales, but only a cynic would argue that this is what I do. After all, Robbie is one of my best friends in the world, and a great singer too.

Like me, Taribo is currently unattached, and is open to offers. He's willing to go almost anywhere, which I've been accused of in my time, though you might have to offer him a minimum fee release clause, whereas anyone I'm seeing has to sign a standard waiver giving me the rights to all publicity and so forth.

In return though, Taribo will give you everything. A central defender who can also play on the left (I'm on the left too, though if that Michael Portillo gets in you never know), he will guarantee performances averaging around 8.0 or higher. Just like me!

I caught up with Taribo recently at Derby, where he was based for six months last year. I went over and gave him a big hug.

"Scream if you wanna go faster!" I told him.

"Sorry, who are you?" he said. We laughed for several seconds afterwards.

Did I tell you I used to be a peace envoy for the United Nations? Peace is very important to me, and I number Kofi Annan amongst my best friends, along with Nelson Mandela. Hey Yasser! Over here…