Roy Keane on Patrick Vieira

Hello CM fans, Roy Keane here. Yes, it's Keane in the flesh, with nothing to hide and willing to clear the air over, sorry, one moment, it's a bit cold in here, would you mind turning the thermostat up please? Thank you.

Anyway, CM Stuff have asked Roy Keane to - hold on, this is blue ink. Keane asked for black. Keane only uses black ink. Keane quite clearly requested this in the terms of the contract. And what's this? Ball point? BALL POINT? This is most unprofessional. Roy Keane writes with a fountain pen. Don't get Keane started now.

Where were we, yes that's right Keane was going to report on - aaarrrggghhhh! Why have you given Roy Keane a swivel chair, when he specifically demanded a rocker? What is the matter with you? Keane doesn't like this. You've already had three strikes. One more and you make Keane's list, and don't think Kean-o didn't notice that you used Nescafe coffee instead of Douwe Egberts. Keane was willing to let it go at the time, but you're reaching the limit. Keane is a patient man, you know, and he has to be as the world's best footballer, but he is most disappointed with the way he has been treated today. Your facilities are not up to Roy Keane's required standard, and you do not treat your work with the level of dedication and professionalism that Keane demands. You are a disgrace to the game, and you can consider this your last warning.

So what was Keane here to talk about? Patrick Vieira? Well, he's all right, pretty good on the whole, though not as complete a footballer as Roy Keane… right, that's it, you looked down at Keane. You were asked not to regard Keane at all unless you were below him and staring up with a reverential glaze on your face. You've stepped over the mark. The mark is here, you are right over here, and Keane is leaving now. You're all a bunch of **** ***** *** ***** ****. Book Keane a plane please. No, Keane wanted Ryan Air, not Concorde, is the world going mad?