Myleene Klass on Tonton Zola Moukoko

(T_side's note - sorry everyone, I couldn't find a picture of Moukoko anywhere, so here's a picture of the reviewer instead. My apologies for any disappointment this may have caused)

Right, pay attention to me - no, not to my boobs, my face! Look when will give people give me a break about my boobs? They're just boobs, and everyone's got them. All right? Good, I'm glad we've got that sorted.

T_Side has asked me to say a few words about Tonton Zola Moukoko, a young Swedish attacking midfielder with a big profile. Not that sort of profile, you. He starts his career at Derby County, where he's very much in their stiffs - stop it! - but it won't be like that for very long.

With an underrated shot and limitless ability to improve, Moukoko will ideally start off with one of the smaller teams to develop, which is what happened to me. Do you like my developments? Oi you, cut it out! He could do with spending some time with a Division Two side like Walsall or one of the two Bristols… that was just a giveaway. Eventually he'll come to the attention of the big ones. Will you stop looking at them! And then he'll score and create goals to become one of the best players in the game.

Now a quick note on me. I think that Hearsay have boobed once or twice in the past, but we're blooming now. We've swelled our ranks with the new member (now that the bitch whore has left! Die witch!) and we'll be blossoming again soon. As long as people stop talking about my tits and concentrate on the music, that is.

Hearsay's new album, The Breast of British, will be available shortly in all good record shop, and many crap ones too.