Sir Ian McKellen on Robert 'Bob' Malcolm

CM Stuff caught up with Sir Ian to ask him about Glasgow Rangers' and Scotland Under-21 defender, Robert Malcolm

T_Side: Thanks for taking the time to speak with us, Sir Ian.

Sir Ian: It's typical isn't it? As an openly gay actor and member of Stonewall I have to deal with CM Stuff rather than one of the bigger Championship Manager sites. I hear The Dugout have got Michael Douglas.

T: Erm, yes well I loved your performance as Gandalf.

I: You would, wouldn't you? It's not enough that being a gay man, I have to go all the way to New Zealand to film an epic, I also have to play a character with a mad straggly beard who gets killed off in the first episode. I see that didn't happen to Viggo Mortensen.

T: But you're not really dead. You return in The Two Towers.

I: Yes yes, but it's the usual thing with gay actors, isn't it? We provide some titillation, a novelty for the viewers, and then we let the supposed real men take the centre stage until making our cameo later. It's just not good enough.

T: So we were here to talk about Robert 'Bob' Malcolm,

Sir Ian. I: Oh very nice, you're asking a gay actor who is prominent for having opinions on equal rights to give his views about another man, right? I suppose you're going to ask me if I fancy him?

T: No, just how much you rate him.

I: Who is he then, this young peacock? I don't suppose you expect a gay man who is out and proud of it to know much about the outside world.

T: He plays for Glasgow Rangers…

I: What's that then? A gay club in Glasgow? The Rangers? Why can't you ask me about a straight nightclub? God you're typical, you are.

T: It's a football club, one of the biggest in Scotland. Bob Malcolm's one of the up and coming defenders there, and he could grow to be ace if he's trained properly and gets a regular game. I think he could do with moving to a smaller club for a while, eventually going on to play for a title-challenging team. He could even turn out to be a team captain with his sense of leadership.

I: You're asking a gay actor to comment on a footballer? That's very rich of you. I hate you and all your kind. The slightest sign of homosexual tendencies in a player and you're all over him. And don't snigger. I don't mean it like that. Look at Justin Fashanu.

T: Right, that's it, I'm going.

I: What?

T: I won't take this anymore. I'm going to see Ian Holm instead.

T: No, don't go, come back.

I: Why should I?

T: Look, I'll tell you anything you need to know. I'm a nice guy. I know about football.

I: So no more of this 'gay actor' rubbish?

T: I promise. It'll be a pleasure.

I: Right then, so what about Hugo Viana? He's a Portuguese right-winger with a golden future…

T: Bloody hell you're just being obtuse now. Asking an openly gay man to talk about those hot-blooded Latin players, expecting him to come forth with stock double entrendres about sweaty males in the heat and so forth. And what do you mean by 'golden'? Golden shower? In the shower? I've never been so insulted…