Harald Schumacher on Sebastien Frey

The best goalkeeper of the modern age is, of course, me, but as I don't play anymore I have had to scout the globe for a suitable candidate. My choice is the young French netminder, Sebastien Frey.

Frey currently plays for middling Serie A side, Parma, having starred for Internazionale before they snapped up Francesco Toldo. This is wrong. Frey is the better keeper, and he is also more talented than that Gianluigi Buffoon, in my (not very) humble opinion. The real advantage Frey possesses is his youth. He is only 24, a baby by goalkeeping standards, and can already be considered one of football's finest. In a fair world, of which I know loads, he would be the keeper for the French national side. This will possibly happen when the bald clown, Fabien Barf-hez finally lets in one too many. What is this business with constantly holding up his shorts, anyway? Why would the fans want to see ample, pasty white thighs? Mein gott, you crazy French…

I only noticed one weakness in Frey during his Inter days. This was a tendency to try to stop oncoming strikers by making world-class saves, sometimes having to scuff his sleeve by diving to the turf and even risking a minor graze. This will not do, I told him. You must treat your goalmouth like a woman, and protect it against predators by any method at hand, and the more violent the better. Since my pep talk, I am pleased to note that Frey is quite willing to batter his opponents at any given opportunity. This may lead to one or two sendings off per season, but what could be a better display of the 'beautiful game' than one player punching another in the name of sport, and then booting him repeatedly when he's on the ground. It makes we want to don the boots once more; the old Schumacher Predators.

This is a player who doesn't come cheap. If you want him, you will have to cough up over £10m for his services, though in later years, if he is being left out of the side you might get him for cost price (usually around £5m). You will not be disappointed, I am sure of it. Frey has everything he needs to be the world's best goalkeeper (second to one, but I am retired) and is a nutter on the side. Why, if he wasn't he would be Semen, would he not?